The futile wait for «the right one»
What’s it that makes people not realize that waiting for «the right one» just precludes any possibility of finding him/her?
I have realized lots of people out there spend their days and nights waiting for the «right» person to come along. Endlessly complaining about life and bad luck. About not getting a break and after talking about friends and relationships with L’ix it hit us. Wanting something in your life can be the very same thing that keeps that thing away from you.
Let me elaborate:
One of the tenets of relationships is that they are completely unpredictable. This means that there is no way in the world you’re going to know you’ve met your perfect partner until a long time after you’ve met it. This is because what makes a partner perfect for you can’t be divined, it must be come as an epiphany of sorts, a realization, suddenly, that things are the way they should be. For this to happen you have to have a partner and for you to have a partner you must’ve let one come into your life already.
See, there is only one way to meet the right person, and that is by being open and letting people in your life. Being closed to new relationships, to avoid «failure» precludes, as well, any possible successful relationships. Try to find one person you remember as being successful with relationships and he/she will probably tell you that to find a right partner several failed attempts have been there, bad relationships and possibly pain have come and gone.
Several people in the past have said to me: What can I do to find the one? I have had awful relationships in the past, I have bad luck with men/women, I have been burned in the past and don’t want that to happen again.
Well, the big, ugly truth is that there is no one rule for relationships, but the closest I can find is a quote I once read, which supposedly is from Satchel Paige:
Work like you don’t need the money. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Dance like nobody’s watching.
That one saying, and the second statement probably sum up the only advice I could give anyone waiting for the right person: You never know who it’ll be, so be open to options.
Go out, meet people, meet friends of your friends. Let yourself know other people and be unprepared for anything that happens (that’s correct, unprepared). Don’t expect anything from anyone you meet. Do not measure people up and dismiss and discard them outright because they don’t fill a specific expectation or pattern. Do not let the possible «other half» in your life pass you by just because you didn’t want to go out that day. Nothing must me as horribly ironic as having the perfect partner be missed because one was, precisely, waiting for him/her.
PS: Darn, this is probably one of the messiest compositions I have done in a while, but it’s hard to put in a secondary language something you can barely put in word in your native language, so bear with me.
I disagree with the premise of your article that you can’t know who the right one is until you have dated them for a long time, and then it hits you, and have this epiphany; oh my God she/or he’s the one! Each person must take the time to evaluate what they are really looking for in a life long mate. The problem is that society says you can’t choose who you fall in love with, but the fact remains that you do choose who you spend the rest of your life with, and if you don’t have a basic understanding of what you are looking for in a mate, then you end up choosing someone that you think your friends will like or your Mom and Dad would approve of, instead of searching your own heart and asking God what type of mate do I really enjoy being with, and could see myself being married to them for the rest of my life. There is nothing wrong with searching your own heart for these answers. And when you have nailed this down to the Characteristics that you find attractive in a mate, then pray and ask God to send you someone that fits that bill and would also fit into your purpose and destiny that God has for you in commonality of their purpose and destiny of what has called you both to do, and having someone that compliments your calling in life will help you have a great relationship. God does not want us going through a series of relationships that leave us emotionally bruised and battered because we want this relationship to work out so much, that we’ll try to mold that person into what we really want in a mate and that’s not who and what they are and what we are really looking for, and it always ends up in a painful breakup or divorce. I am convinced in the statistics, that one out of every two marriages end in divorce, is because we don’t take the time to search our hearts and ask ourselves what type of woman/or man depending on your gender am I attractive to. It took me sometime to figure this out that falling in love with the right person is not by chance or accident but by knowing yourself and what you are looking for in a mate. This is going to shock some of you, but I’ll say this I have nothing to lose and everything to gain! I started my music career playing in nightclubs at 15 years old and by time that I was 20 I was having a series of events occurring on regular bases. The band that I traveled in crisscrossing the country performing in Military NCO clubs were a Pop R&B band, all African American. Every where that we went I would have several White females seeking my company, I had know clue at the time as to why this was happening and my band members always would comment on these occurrences; Stan what is up with you, every where you go you have white girls wanting to be with you, why is that. Later it dawned on me that something inside of me was signaling to them that it’s ok to approach me, I was also attracted too, and I wasn’t prejudice and that I was very approachable. I went a long time with out understanding this, I had not examined my own desires as to what I was attracted to and went through a series of bad relationships to understand that it was time for me to examine what I really wanted in a mate and what I was really attracted to in a mate. I understand my feelings a lot better now, and I don’t pretend not be aware of what’s inside of me, after all God put those desires there for his purpose, because I had a heart that works in this manner! So if you hear me say that a certain type of woman is beautiful it’s because that’s how I really feel and that’s what I’m attracted to. Now the next step is finding that special Lady that fits into God’s plan for my life and mine hers. One of the worst things that you can go through is dating some one who is pretending that they like everything about you when they don’t believe me that’s painful and unfair. Now when I meet a Lady that seems to fit the bill of what I’m looking for I’ll give them my card and ask them to check out my website and listen to music, and if I don’t hear back from them then I’ll know that they were only attracted to outer me and not what was inside of me and the God given gifts that I posses. All these things must come into play or it won’t work. Your life long mate must love not only you, but what you do for a living also and your desires and goals, because if they don’t, somewhere down the road, the pretences will come down and they will begin fight against who you are and desire to change you into the image that were truly looking for. A woman I once loved that relationship ended in a split, told me I never wanted to be with man like you, I just wanted a regular guy who worked a regular nine to five, so what happened? She knew of my gifts and desires from the beginning, so what went wrong? She admitted that she thought that she could change me into what she wanted me to be and not who I already was. I have to admit that she is better off with out me and vice versa, because we were not what each other were looking for in a mate! I watched one Saturday morning a special on Rock Stars Wives, and I was amazed at how these once wild Rockers were now married and settled down with one woman because these women were already geared for that lifestyle, and these Rock stars admitted that they were looking for these type of women all along and when they found the woman that believed in them and had no problem with what they did for a living, all the womanizing stopped because they had found the fulfillment in that one woman that cared and believed in them. It’s good to know thy self and be true to thyself a famous play write wrote, because to thy own self be true, and if you are true to yourself in what you are looking for in a mate, you’re destined to find that true love of your life!
I have to totally disagree with the original poster, with record divorce rates as my evidence. Your solution is that we should all live like there is no tomorrow and throw caution to the wind. What a terrible philosophy that would be for someone to live by. Imagine all the pain and remorse they would suffer for pursuing such half witted endeavors. Part of developing a sense that one should wait for the right one is that they develop a content and stable lifestyle for themselves and let the other pieces fall into place on their own. What you are telling everyone is that they should go full speed ahead and chain date their way to oblivion while their physical life collapses all around them due to neglect. I have to say, this has to be one of the most idiotic takes on this subject I have ever seen. If you cannot be the embodiment of stability; how in the hell could you ever have a stable relationship???
I appreciate the comment, 8 years after my post.
It’s a shame you didn’t take time to read it, tho’, since what you colorfully were forced to define as «idiotic» was not even close to what I meant.
Maybe that stability you mention could also be translated into mental patience to read and understand. I’ll try to word the original post in a way it is easier to understand:
Waiting and expecting for «the right person» might make you miss the moment when that «right person» actually appears. Worrying about it predisposes you and makes you less naturally receptive.
Since you didn’t catch it, I was talking out of personal experience. I almost missed my «right one» for worrying about finding it, when it ended being someone I knew already. I married and I’m still happily with her and a magnificent daughter, and you can see her linked right there in the post.
I have met people who also worried so much about «missing the boat» that they usually pushed people away before they became more serious.
I don’t necessarily agree with the rest of your ideas (I could call it idiotic, but that’s rude and needlessly mean) but I wanted to clear up they are, at any rate, a completely different discussion to what the original post was trying (successfully for the last 8 years) to convey.
On a side note, I’d urge you to reconsider the tone, wording and approach you take to comments. It’s not conducive to fruitful discussion it makes you look like a complete ass when it doesn’t even relate to what you’re supposedly replying to.
The premise of the article is not that «the right one» tends to be someone you already know and suddenly «wham! it hits you».
The premise of the article is that being obsessed in finding someone might make you miss who could be that someone (either someone you already know, someone whose friendship is slowly becoming something else or someone you just met and doesn’t «pass» immediately the judgement of being «right»).
The premise of the article is that you can be so obsessed about something you might be actually making it NOT happen, by not letting natural reactions take their course.